Guat Next

Immediately below Mexico, lost in a soup of clouds, jungle and mountains, sits a little known country called Guatemala, the next stop on the all American voyage. Guatemala is small place and it was only a short stay, but this little land of adventure packed a lot of punch in only a week.

The first thing you notice upon entering is that Guatemala is green. Very, very green. Grass grows anywhere and everywhere and there is moss growing on little trees that sprout out of bigger trees that are themselves growing on big trees. All of this is due to the fact that this land only seems to have two weather conditions, intense rain or intense sun. This is the northern frontier of proper Central American jungles and due to the undulating terrain, most of it is inaccessible to humans.

Guatemala is a landscape shaped by disaster and upheaval. It is constantly bombarded by hurricanes and stormy weather, earthquakes are common and it is peppered with active volcanoes. When the Spanish first arrived here and established a capital city, it was more or less destroyed by all of the above in fairly rapid succession. What is left of that city is now called Antigua and even though it is largely in ruins it is an amazing place. The Spaniards moved the capital to a new location, which still has some issues. At this point the Spanish pretty much decided Guatemala was a giant time bomb and moved onto bigger and better (read: safer) things.

The people here are remarkably upbeat considering the impending disaster potential of their home. Ask any of them if they worry about the volcanoes venting massive clouds of ash and dust every ten to twenty minutes and their response is typically along the lines of "No, we don't worry about that. We worry when the volcanoes STOP making the little explosions". I guess that makes sense, but it's hardly comforting.

As is the case with most developing countries, you are completely free to perform dangerous activities with little or no regulation. Which means you are able to climb any volcano here regardless of the risk. There's no need to sign a disclaimer, no one really cares too much if you die. You just get up there, cook some marshmallows in the lava (or chorizo if you are a well prepared Australian) and hope the soles of your shoes don't melt too badly. Oddly enough though, the greatest dangers you face are not really from nature. You are far more likely to be robbed and killed by machete wielding farmer folk en route than you are to encounter volcanic calamity. Guatemala is not the safest place in the world.

Perhaps in direct response to the environmental reality of their land, Guatemalan houses and buildings are either extremely temporary-looking or built to withstand anything. Amusingly, since taxes are levied only on completed buildings, no one actually finishes building their homes here, which leads to a spectacularly ramshackle city views. Can a loophole still be called a loophole if everyone in the entire country does it? Surely then it is called 'industry best practice'.

Guatemala is very economical compared to Mexico and shops proudly throw powerful English sales pitches around such as "we have best prices in the entire world", "you should only buy from us" and "almost free". Naturally however, with reduced prices comes an inevitable reduced quality in every aspect of life. Electricity pops in and out, hot water is a rare and precious thing, internet access is woeful and public transport is really something else. Guatemala's people are moved around to and fro by what are affectionately known as 'chicken buses'. If you ever wondered where yellow school buses from the USA go to die, think no further. These buses are snapped up by Guatemala, given a suitably over the top paint job, bestowed with foreign names that destroy any illusion of safety such as 'Thriller', 'Speed' or 'Batmobile' and kicked back into service for eternity until they explode. The name 'chicken bus' doesn't reflect what you are for not riding one, it simply comes from the fact that animals are allowed on the buses and in a country that loves their poultry super fresh that means only one thing: chickens. It's comical and normal to see folk jump off the bus with a little explosion of feathers behind them.

Whilst all of this sounds crazy and fun, these buses also represent yet again another excellent opportunity for all your stuff to be stolen from you. It's just the way things are here; there's guards with shotguns in many shops and bars on every window for a reason I guess.

Guatemala and Mexico (and probably more countries) celebrate their independence from Spanish rule at the same time. Being there for this event, the biggest of the year, was quite a spectacle. It's really only meant to be one day, but in practice the celebrations seem to carry on for about three. During this time all children are automatically supplied with whistles and told to make as much noise as they want until they feint, every car turns its stereo to eleven, people let off fireworks at any place and any time and sleep is largely forgotten about.

In addition, hordes of marching bands descend on the town squares of major cities and then proceed to try and outplay one another. The resulting cacophony sounds like thunder. The only way to hear each band is to get right up next to them so you can't hear the five other bands within an earshot. The marching bands pride themselves on their dance moves too, regardless of the impact on sound quality or rhythm.

During all of this chaos, groups of energetic young people come from the smaller towns around the big cities with a small torch. This torch is lit in the main square of the larger cities and then taken back to their home villages while being passed around like a relay baton. It is customary apparently for runners to wear head bands, crazy clothes and fancy dress. One runner was wearing a full body gorilla suit. When such a torch relay squad runs past, everyone cheers and toots horns while the group cheers back. Apparently that torch will then be used to light the torch in the square of the village, which will then be used to light more villages. The whole process symbolises the fire of freedom spreading and is quite cool to see.

Guatemala, even considering its proximity to Mexico, actually does things quite differently when it comes to food. The colder mountain climate means hearty stews and broths are more common, including the traditional Caldo del Pato (cow hoof soup) which I must say is a real test of will to munch on. They also put a lot more effort into Chilli Rellenos (stuffed chillis), loading them up with a whole host of very finely chopped vegetables and meat as opposed to just cheese as Mexico does.

A popular candy in both Mexico and Guatemala is mango slices covered from tip to tip in salt and chilli. Eating one is possibly one of the most intense, taste bud raping culinary experiences one could have. You  an normally see a foreigner trying it by their facial contortions. Strangely, after you've eaten a piece and the fallout in your mouth settles, you want another. It's comestible mashochism at it's finest.

However, when it comes to real dessert, chocolate is where Guatemala is in a league of its own. The chocolate from these parts is absolutely incredible. Sure, the Swiss and Belgian chocolate makers take the top 10% of the cacao yield for themselves, but what is left is still exquisite and so dangerously affordable. It is heaven for chocaholics, a crazy, volcanic, chocolate heaven.

To conclude I'd like to take a moment to note that while Spanish is not a terribly difficult language to learn when coming from an English background compared to say Japanese, the speed at which native Spanish speakers talk has to set some sort of syllables per second record for languages. Reading it is fairly understandable, speaking it is a bit harder, understanding the last sentence that was spewed forth in under one second is just ridiculous. As far as I know, the only person who speaks English that fast is Vicky Pollard from Little Britain.

And just when you think you are getting the hang of it, you hear the "fine print" terms and conditions at the end of an advertisement in Spanish and realise you will never, ever, ever understand any of what was just said. Ever.

Guatemala is a wild place, I don't think there is such a thing as easy travel here and don't bring anything you are not prepared to have pilfered. But if you look past the dangerous facade, it really is an amazing little chunk of land that becomes strangely addictive to stay in if you don't mind a taste of chaos.