Middle East Part I : Lebenezer Goode

At Christmas time an odd notion formed. Rather than sit in the comfort of a warm house and engorge on  silly amounts of food, a backpacking adventure around the Middle East somehow became the logical alternative. For a fleeting second there were thoughts you might have right now such as “why?” and “surely life is going to suck once you are dead right?”. Such musings were brushed aside, a mocking laugh was conjured at those sitting in the comfort of pool side hotels somewhere and instead a challenge was issued to experience an ancient area of the world few westerners ever make it to.

Yes, the west has a pretty dim view of the Middle East as a whole. In fact if you were to believe the media you basically expect to land at the airport, walk outside, be kidnapped and then appear in a grainy hostage video shortly thereafter. Such sensationalisms could not be any further from the truth. This Middle Eastern experience was so much more than one could ever imagine, may you enjoy reading about it, may it perhaps change a few minds ever so slightly along the way.

The first and most difficult hurdle was decided to go, that was conquered. The next was to actually escape the UK. Heathrow Airport was completely shut down due to snow and it took four days to escape England’s icy clutches. It was a pretty harrowing sight really, thousands of people camped inside the terminals on newspapers, more outside in makeshift tents at sub-zero temperatures. The flight was to Beirut, Lebanon and upon touchdown there were Palestinian refugee camps in better condition than those at Heathrow. It was also a balmy 22 degrees too; a thing of utmost beauty.

Lebanon is a very picturesque country, surrounded by epic mountains that make for impressive views but also sadly trap all of that loving exhaust and dust in for you to marinate in. Seeing the actual horizon is impossible, seeing the sun fade into a reddish brownish ball at sunset is beautiful but disturbing at the same time. Possibly no place on Earth bar Mexico City will benefit from the electric car more.

Beirut is surprisingly cosmopolitan in nature; it is sometimes called the ‘Paris of the East’ and if you dig deep enough into the layers of dust permeating everything you can start to see why. Walking along the Mediterranean water front, enjoying a drink with the waves crashing right beside you in the afternoon sunlight watching people of all sorts walking and jogging by – in Beirut - is a scene you just can't picture until you are here. Sure the Holiday Inn has a massive chunk taken out of it from a missile and bullet riddled walls here and there are not entirely comforting, but generally everything feels much more sedate than you steel yourself for. The folk here are most certainly not anesthetised to their recent troubles, but they seem to want to move on and be done with conflict – which I got to tell you is tough with military checkpoints at almost every intersection.

On a practical note though, these checkpoints don’t seem to achieve much other than slow traffic (they merely say hello and wave you through with a twitch of an M-16). Actually, I take that back, slowing traffic is a brilliant, wonderful thing. Being the first part of our journey, this was the first exposure to driving in the Middle East, which is a combination of a rickety roller coaster ride and Grand Theft Auto the video game. A car driver here embarks on their journey protected by no road rules; only a love affair with the horn, whatever safety systems are afforded by a 1970’s Mercedes Benz, a mound of good luck charms and a level of spatial awareness hitherto unseen in any mortal.

Basically there is one lane on the road, cars going both directions then “fill” that lane as it seems appropriate. If you need more overtaking space, you just make yourself another lane – and since you created it, the people coming 100kmh in the other direction are supposed to admire your cunning tenacity and give way. This, naturally, doesn’t always happen and side to side neck whiplash occurs as your car darts back into safety of more established lanes.

But it gets better. Typically the major roads have no breaks in the concrete median strip/wall for miles. What this means is drivers who pull onto a road that want to only go a few minutes down the road in the opposite direction to the flow of traffic on their side of the median strip simply drive against the flow of traffic down the hard shoulder. If they want to overtake each other then they just “make more lanes”. Knuckles … going … white …

Oh wait, there’s more. If you have the misfortune of still being stuck out in a car after nightfall, a new driving technique comes into play. When approaching an intersection you just turn off your lights to see if any other headlights are coming, if not you just cruise on through. It’s a foolhardy practice at best when you consider pedestrians, but when you realise that the entire nation is doing it, the possibilities dawn on you. Knuckles … fluorescent … white …

Lebanon boasts remarkable sights. Baalbekis arguably the most impressive Roman ruins in the wild you can find; greater in scope and scale than Ephesus in Turkey, more intrepid and personal than the Colosseum in Rome. Sitting amongst the stones in solitude, imagining what the place would have been like thousands of years ago is uplifting.

Also impressive was the ruins of Anjar; arguably the world’s oldest shopping mall. Here amongst the sprawling columns of a long forgotten Arabic trading centre, thousands of pots and chests have been recovered showing it as a crossroads for rare and exotic goods from Africa, Asia and Europe. Quite simply superb to ruin hop through.

Somewhat surprisingly, nestled away in the beautiful Bekaa valley between the Lebanon and Anti-Lebanon mountain ranges, lay a few hidden vineyards that make incredible wines. A legacy from French occupation, the Lebanese people have continued this tradition with gusto. One such winery, Ksara, possessed a maze of natural caves underneath where years and years of future wines now lay in rest maturing. Much of it was taste tested, it helped mentally prepare for more excitement on the roads.

Sadly, time in Lebanon was limited due to the Heathrow debacle. This time was long enough to be able to identify a car purely by it’s exhaust perfume but certainly not long enough to see all this small land has to offer. Lebanon is modern and the people know how to enjoy life but at the same time has some issues with their southern neighbour that become apparent with a mere scratching of the surface in a conversation. It’s infinitely less dangerous then you would believe and a place to remember. I’d hoped to be ‘Phoenician’ on a witty double entendre here with a Lebanese context but nothing came to mind really. 

Danish? Yes please!

Sticking out of the top of Germany and a stone’s throw across the water from Sweden lies Denmark. It’s a cute little country that boasts the world’s oldest flag and seems to be a series of islands mainly made of pig farms.

The original goal for visiting Denmark was predominantly based around my kindred urge to visit THE Legoland. Unfortunately it didn’t quite work out (basically the bank account would have transformed to a  burning crater) but a visit to the great Danes happened anyhoo. I mean, who could turn it down with tourist promotional brochures that said it would “Denmark will almost dazzle you”. 

Before I begin recalling the Danish adventure in earnest, let me remark that getting to Denmark from Germany is perhaps the coolest train ride on the planet. Basically, the train tracks go to the edge of the Baltic Sea, at which point they put the entire ICE train on a boat (with you still on the train!) and take the train across the sea where it can recommence it’s journey on the other side. It was really quite cool.

If you have not heard it, the Danish language sounds a little like a happy children’s song. People chirp it rather than say it and the inflection flies up and down the octaves every second word. It was not my first encounter with it, having met a very friendly Dane in Germany a year ago who laughed hysterically as I writhed about contorting my face in attempts to pronounce the simple phrase “Rødgrød med Fløde” (red pudding with cream). The sound required is perhaps best likened to Goofy clearing his throat.

I was assured that this was more than just an entertaining Litmus Test for tourists, it was actually the case that this phrase was used to weed out foreign spies in WW2 as no non-Dane seems to be capable of conjuring these unearthly sounds.

The adventure in Denmark was relatively short, only really visiting the capital Copenhagen; quite a nice city that has a love affair with copper roofs here and canals. It’s also fairly quiet in tourism terms too, I guess it has big prices and doesn't really have any Colosseums or Arc de Triumphs ... but it most certainly has one attraction worth the pilgrimage – Tivoli Gardens.

More than making up for the sad Legoland omission, Tivoli Gardens is a collection of some of the most antiquated and death defying fun park rides in the world, centrally located smack back in the middle of Copenhagen. Who could forget the rollercoaster still driven by a guy on board with a big lever, or the excruciating Hans Christian Andersen “experience”, or the gigantic spinning seat on a flimsy chain ride possibly built in the early steam age that shatters perceptions of real fear, and I especially cannot forget the male fertility destroying ride in the far back corner now known only as “the ride that shall not be named”. Stay the hell away from that.

Danish food isn't really that amazing unfortunately, although there was a local food fair that sold some traditional cold Herring dishes which were quite ... special. I certainly also enjoyed watching the free kitchen demonstration – it was the closest thing we have experienced to the muppet Swedish chef in real life. Additionally and amusingly the Danes have some great names for everyday foods – for example their name for mashed potatoes translates as “burning love”. Awesome.

Denmark was a good bit of fun but you know, even though Legoland didn't materialise due to financial concerns, the bank account was still a smouldering crater after going to Denmark. A cheap place it ain’t; when I saw there was actually some money left after the visit I was almost dazzled.