Our Country Reeks of Trees ...

Continuing the northwards trend, the next destination was a mystical and far off land that few Americans even know exists - Canada!

Now, some of you will immediately think "Canada. February. WHY!?". Well what can I say, adversity is no barrier, a bit of rough is good for the soul. A part of me had a hungering for some REAL snow .. not that light smattering of white back in old blighty. To that end, I can guarantee that Canada more than sated the snow appetite. From what I could tell, Canada is actually made entirely of snow and somewhere underneath are houses and people. New York was farewelled from a nice, cosy and warm Amtrak train bound for Montréal. Upon exit from this cocoon of warmth was a welcoming, facial hair destroying -35 degrees and a wind that tore into the soul, leaving naught but hollow, Gortex marshmallows of tourists behind.

After donning half a dozen layers of clothing and rolling out the door like some kind of padded marshmellow, sight seeing is possible. There are two sides to Montréal. Firstly, there is the "Overworld"; this is the part of the city visible from Google maps, incredibly picturesque and boasting an old town that is the closest thing you will ever see to Gotham City. However, it's also sheathed in ice and bitterly cold. One day, a few folk were discussing the merits of hats with ear flaps when the radio played Jeff Wayne's War of the World's soundtrack ... suddenly, the lyrics hit home ..

"So we gotta make a new life. You know where? Underground! You should see it down there - hundreds of miles of drains - sweet and clean now after the rain, dark, quiet, safe. We can build houses and everything, start again from scratch!"

And thus the French-Canadian morlocks built the "Underworld" of Montréal, connecting the entire downtown area with a complex network of tunnels and shopping centres that would be capable withstanding the next ice age if need be. Here the human race could regroup through the coldest winters safe in the knowledge their bunker and excellent health care system would see them through any bitter end .. so long as you could get good reception for the ice hockey.

Despite numb extremeties, the Overworld had to be braved in the best interests of sight seeing. Luckily, Montréal has two epic cathedrals that are really, really impressive. Firstly, the Basilique de Notre Dame is an absolutely astounding cathedral - the outside is somewhat unassuming (as far as cathedrals go) but the inside is truly a stand apart masterpiece of detail. It's probably the most amazing outside of Rome. Secondly, Saint Joseph's Oratory, though fairly modern and simple compared to the previous cathedral, is absolutely HUGE. The main hall is surely something out of Star Wars and in a somewhat macabre act, the heart of the now deceased blessed Brother André (for whom the cathedral is famous) is kept on display in a glass box for all to admire. Creepy, yet awesome to see a real boxed shaped heart. Suddenly a hearty lunch felt appropriate.

Destination: the internationally renowned Lester's Deli. Here one can order a meat sandwich with so much meat that the bread is little more than a garnish. The proprietor takes great pleasure in watching hapless tourists eat it with all the etiquette of cro-magnon man. You can also enjoy a side of the Canadian national dish - Poutin (pronounced Poot-sin). In case you don't know, Poutin is a bowl of chips deep fried to hell in the oldest of old fat that has been reused again and again for days. Once the chips reach a sufficient brown hue they are placed in a bowl, covered in fatty gravy so they become really soggy and then topped with cheese curds. Some might call it "comfort food", I call it "the bowl of endless regret". It's essentially a heart attack on a plate.

The visit coincided with La fête des Neiges de Montréal, which is basically an outdoor winter snow festival where everyone participates in a variety of family sporting events. Who could forget such greats as largely uncoordinated curling, the bizarre tag sled race where only one man is left standing after all others have died of exhaustion, or sliding down a hill on an uncontrollable piece of plastic aptly named "crazy carpet", or perhaps the epic down hill simultaneous snow tube ride where you are destined to fail and sldie down on your ass without a tube, all under the disapproving eye of the local Québécois.

I also have to be honest and say that curling is much more fun to watch on TV then it is to play ... although it pays to keep the volume down if watching a women's curling event in your hotel room as a bunch of women yelling "Hard, hard, HARDER" can cause alarm...

Toronto was the next destination, a pretty cool city and a very multi-cultural one at that with pockets of the world like Chinatown, Little Italy, Little India and Little Greece spread throughout the city. There is also the CN tower you can go up to look down upon the city and it's beautiful traffic jams. It has several unique qualities - it is one of the highest man made structures in the world, it has glass floors on the viewing platform and the elevators for extra vertigo and the security check is some strange amalgam between an x-ray machine and a space age delousing station. It's an experience not to be missed in any case.

Toronto was ultimately little more than a launchpad for a trip through the snow to Niagara Falls. All I can say is wow. The falls are astounding in every way and even more picturesque in the middle of winter partially frozen. It truly was incredible to see and enjoy it in virtual solitude, the polar opposite of summer where this place heaves.

You cannot come to Canada and not be left jaws agape at the sheer number of uses they have found for maple tree sap. Sure there's the syrup we all know and love but you can also get maple sauce, maple candy, maple sugar, maple shampoo, maple soap, maple cookies, maple beer, maple tea, maple cookies ... we even had maple taffee which is basically heated up maple sap poured on snow. You then wrap it around a wooden stick like a chuppa chup and proceed to unwittingly cover your face, hands and hair (and those of anyone who has the misfortune of standing slightly downwind) in an immense and elaborate spider web of sugar strands as you try to eat it. It only gets worse before it gets better but it tastes so good!

So, we bid you farewell from a land where a one dollar coin is called a loonie, a two dollar coin a toonie and looking at a nickel gives you the rare opportunity to see the Queen of England, flip her around and then say "Hey, nice beaver!". That's Canada, eh!