From Russia With Love

Welcome comrade, to the big, red blog post freshly harvested from the fertile lands of Russia! The former epicentre of the USSR and cliched provider of countless James Bond villains, Russia provides so much interesting material for me to write on that I had initially considered splitting this blog into two or more posts - but everything here in Russia is big, overwhelming and difficult to manage, so I one massively long blog post is more appropriate.

So, get ready for a concrete fist full of Russian blog to the face!

One has to be mentally prepared to come to Russia. It's quite intense and the first few hours were a great appetiser. The Russian website for the bus said the bus stopped at a different location than it actually does. When trying to confirm where the bus actually stopped, the bus driver informed we were at "X" but we he was completely wrong too. It wasn't until after walking two super sized Russian city blocks that complete confusion set in. The solution was to haul ass for another hour and a half across St Petersburg in sweltering heat to the hostel. Upon arriving at the hostel there was no street sign at all so it remained hidden. After several flirting visits to cafes that falsely claimed they had wifi, the internet was finally untapped and the "secret entrance" to the hostel became known. Upon arrival, the hostel offered a cheerful greeting of "You are late. Here is your bed.". Such charm is wonderful to hear as you stand there dripping with sweat, 20 kg on your back and having just climbed 5 flights of steps because the elevator is "temporarily" broken.

The next day, the water broke at the hostel, which meant no shower or toilets. In fact each day something seemed to be broken or unavailable, as if the hostel could only ever manage 80% functionality at any given time. This is actually somewhat symbolic of a lot of Russian infrastructure; they built so much of it that I guess the thought of ongoing maintenance was brushed to the side, leaving an illusion of function at the surface masking borderline chaos just underneath the surface. The people that live here have adjusted to this, complaining is pointless and not in the national psyche, so things just keep on trucking in a semi-delapidated state. Just like the clock with no hands at the main train station; once you are in Russia, you don't tell the time, time tells you.

What may be at times absent in quality here is certainly made up for in quantity; everything is big ... really REALLY big, especially in Moscow. The former Soviet leaders definitely win awards for ambitiousness in their building projects and in most cases they succeeded in delivering the goods in what would have been some of the most monumental building efforts since the pyramids of Giza. I really can't impress enough on you the scale of everything here, it's very intimidating and extreme.

The weather also has been extreme too, almost 37 degrees and swimmingly humid the day we arrived and overcast, windy and 15 degrees on the day we left. The weather forecast only told half truths so you are constantly short of either sunglasses or umbrellas or jackets each day. You see, in Russia you don't predict the weather, weather predicts you.

Once you get used to what is dubbed "Russian extreme", you can start to tap what is special about Russia. Firstly, it's home to vividly colouful churches - adorned with countless frescos and iconostases inside. They're normally topped with onion like domes in solid gold or twirling tiled patterns. Despite their enormous size however they can be quite cramped and narrow inside, especially those that use a quite unique "pillar-less" structure; this has the bonus advantage of being very cosy during those nasty winters.

The Red Square, Kremlin and St Basil's church are the most obvious landmarks that people will recognise, all situated in the imposing beast that is Moscow, Moscow, queen of the mother land, built like a rock to stand, proud and divine. After you do that song a few times and calm down, you can then go and visit Lenin's mausoleum where you can see the mastermind of communism and the USSR lying there sedately in a nice three piece suit and a polka dot tie. He's absent a brain though as Stalin had that removed and placed in a jar so he could study 'the perfect communist mind'.

The Hermitage is another must see too, a massive museum similar to the Louvre; it's basically impossible to see it all in one day, so you have to pick what interests you most and focus fire on it. It houses an incredible array of priceless artifacts that, like all good museums, has been pilfered from around the world in what can only be described as legal theft.

Certainly one really cool and quirky thing about Russia is the ramshackle beer stations where you can take a plastic bottle in and get it filled up with the beer of your choice for an absolute pittance. In addition you can pick up a varied range (arguably too much so) of salted, smelly fish to have with your bottle 'o beer. The whole re-bottling thing is certainly something we'd never seen before and remarkably good for the environment (something that is quite rare here!).

Foodwise, you can enjoy typical Russian cuisine in any number of far too brightly lit cantinas playing endless elevator music. Some interesting eats were Borsch, a red beetroot soup delicacy we enjoyed many times over (judging by the stains on our clothes), Ochakovo (a very 'special' bread beer) and Cherburecki (fried dough) - the latter being representative of the overall healthiness of Russian cuisine and the havoc it wreaks on your digestive tract and arteries. You see, in Russia you don't explore every bit of food, food explores every bit of you.

Interesingly though, one of the biggest attractions in Russian cities is the Metro! You would not believe how stunningly elegant and majestic their train network is; some stations look like they have been built by Italian masters! Though again the beautiful facade only masks a raw level of function. The trains accelerate and deccelerate like a slingshot and are about as quiet as a jet engine in a sewer. It's also awkward to navigate the metro network when the stations have little in the way of station names on the platforms, which means you just have to count how many stops you have to go since you can't hear the announcements. This means no one can really socialise because a) it is too loud and b) you might lose count of how many stops you have left.

Amusingly, the ticket barriers to metro stations are not blocking your entry waiting to open upon insertion of a valid ticket, they are open, waiting, watching, ready to crush you to death should you attempt to pass through with no ticket or an invalid ticket. We were told to walk through confidently, the gates can smell fear ... and gypsies. You see, in Russia you don't just catch the metro, sometimes the metro catches you too.

It takes a rough and resilient type of person to survive life in Russia and the Russian people are just that. Because of this Russian people can be a little like hermit crabs; initially suspicious of you (they don't get THAT many outsiders) but once they come out of their shells they are fantastic fun to be around, deeply passionate and rightfully proud and knowledgeable of their country's undeniably significant contribution to the world. They know they live in a slightly crazy place, but they wouldn't have it any other way. You can leave your smile at the door though; smiling for no reason appears to be some form of weakness or stupidity. This means the daily commute can be quite depressing with all those long faces. 

Russians are also religious people (religion was banned for a long time so now it's back with a vengeance and people are making up for lost prayer time). They are also quite superstitious. Nearby the Red square is a small golden tile that marks the "centre of Russia" from which all distances Russian are measured. Here you can throw a coin over you shoulder on the ground and make a wish, at a higher level I wonder whether the wish coming to fruition is impacted in any way by the homeless people all crowded around the person waiting to get the coin as soon as it hits the ground. Similarly there is also a small cave nearby where you can wedge a coin in the rocks and make a wish; if no one finds your coin then your wish comes true. Naturally the homeless also come here in droves armed with wire, chisels and magnets; ready to extract every last ounce of precious metal out of the rock face. It's quite a sorry state of affairs, the people should really cut the chase and just give the money to the homeless outright and make a wish based on the fact they've just shouted a homeless person a beer.

Since the change to a free market economy, people spend big here. In fact while public infrastructure generally wears away, private wealth seems to be flaunted at exaggerated levels everywhere you turn. Many younger women in particlar are nothing but man-hunters, with no real goal in life other than to totter about in ridiculously expensive outfits hoping they'll catch themselves a millionaire. These women always seem to have a very hopeful or temporary boyfriend with them that has no money to buy anything decent for himself except a massively expensive camera to take endless modeling photos of the female at every pole/tree/bridge/flower. There is a saying for young Russian women looking for modern love, "better to cry in a Lexis, than on a bus". You see, in Russia, you don't go and change money, money changes you.

If the young women and their spritely embrace of capitalism don't scare you, the middle age Russian women will. They have no tolerance for anyone or anything and will constantly try to jump queues, ram your tray along at a bistro, knock you out of the train, reach over you for food, close doors on you or generally not give a shit about anyone but themselves in any situation. Somewhat frustratingly they have managed to usurp all key positions you need as a tourist too such as at train ticket booths, convenience stores, entrance fee windows for sightseeing and information desks. This means the level of service you get approaches zero in most instances; they need to deal with you abruptly so they can get back to relaxing.

If you don't take the metro then you'll be forced to cross gargantuan eight lane streets (most people call these motorways) filled with Lada's, the old school Soviet 'car of the people'. Many of these cars have now landed in the hands of young men and have of course had obligatory but ludicrously big spoilers and stereos stapled onto them. These deathtraps bounce around at breakneck velocity well beyond the road and traffic conditions. I am not convinced the brakes work in these things at all given how much warning drivers get at red lights to stop; firstly there is a second countdown to when the stopage must commence, then the green light flashes for while, then the orange light is on and then finally the red. If you haven't managed to stop by then, you are pretty much assured of wearing a pedestrian or two. This is why it is safer to cross the road in big packs, one or two people is no problem to mow down for a Lada, but three or more represents a threat and possibly paperwork.

In general, the old communist Soviet ways die hard and are quite apparent as you venture around. There are relics everywhere from this age, from the USA flag toilet paper to the myriad of communist propagnda posters filled with red tractors, impossibly bountiful harvests, muscular proletariat and square jawed peasants brimming with whistful optimism about how amazingly their productive their society is versus the obviously hedonistic and evil west. These posters range from the militant "Work with no fear, your rifle is near.", the unrelenting "Ploughing time doesn't stop at night!" and the comforting "When the party says do it, the good citizen obeys!"

The communist model certainly favoured rapid industrialisation, but the Soviet scientists had a somewhat optimistic view of how fast their science would make breakthroughs. In the 1970's we were supposed to be enjoying all drinking water produced from sea water, automatic translations from one language to another, nuclear propelled transport, men flying around Venus and most importantly the language of dophins finally being decoded.

In the 80's we would witness a permanent base on the moon, control and command of the weather according to economic requirements and new simple forms of life created in laboratories.

The 90's were somewhat sedate with a mere establishment of a permanent base on Mars, but in the 2000's we should have been witness to some really wild stuff like human settlements on some of the planets, artificial brains, radio transmissions on all five senses, landing on Jupiter (a planet made of gas?) and points of contact with other civilisations.

Beyond that things really crank up a notch; we can look forward to flights beyond our solar system, artificial gravity, perfect life artificially produced and the somewhat cryptic "engines become more reasonable than men" .. which I basically interpret as the first steps towards the Terminator movies.

Dual tariff prices are another hangover from the old days of Soviet controlled tourism trips. If you are Russian born citizen you pay X price for something, if you are not you can expect to pay up to 4 or 6 times this amount. You can circumvent through getting locals to buy tickets for you but in general it's pretty hard to avoid paying exorbitant amounts for getting into anything. You see, in Russia you can't take advantage of special prices, prices take special advantage of you.

Queuing for something here is also in a league of its' own. You stand in line constantly having to edge forwards and angle your body in different ways to stop others (usually a middle aged woman) from sneaking in from the side. The best one we saw was a women walking up to and just standing at the window with a few of her cronies behind her, forming another secondary queue. Before you know it the queue has just doubled in front of you. Additionally, old people will sometimes just join the queue randomly behind you on the assumption that it must be worth waiting for if this many people are waiting for it. One friend shared that he stood in line for an ATM/bank machine and an old person joined the queue then asked some minutes later what is was for. When the answer was money, the old man's eyes lit up as he asked further "Oh great! Is there much left?" 

If there is no queue and you expect there to be one, you are now experiencing the most tourist unfriendly queuing system known to the foreign soul. When you enter a waiting room you have to ask around in Russian who the last person in the queue is, then watch that person like a hawk to know when it is your turn. Naturally the way to ask it is so difficult to say that if you try it no one will answer you - this means you can effectively be there for hours and never get to do what you need to. Here you truly get served, just not in the way you want.

Our accommodation in Moscow had a faulty heating system. It could not be stopped, was overwhelming and could not be fine-tuned or controlled. In many ways this heating system summarises Russia perfectly. Russia is not subtle, but in the end you fall in love with the rawness of it, the vibrancy and energy they have for a newfound life after communism. It's rough, ragged but so much fun to sink your teeth into and get to know. 

When you visit here you don't look into Russia, Russia looks into you.

Even stranger pastures now lie ahead a little disappointed that my Cossack dancing wasn't more appreciated. It's fitting to end with some Russian poetry from Mikhail Lermentov that is somewhat reflective of the avid traveller fleeing the embrace of certainty and stability towards the ball of energy that is Russia ...

Open the door of my prison,

let me see the daylight again,

give me a black eyed maiden

and a horse with a jet black mane.

Over the wide blue grassland

let that courser carry me,

and just once, just a little closer,

let me glance at that alien portion -

that life and liberty.