The Nether Regions

As much as we all dream of running in clogs through green fields littered with windmills and tulips, the intention for visiting Holland was quite simple really; to see the bizarre and amazing spectacle of Amsterdam.

Many of you who have adventured here will attest to the fact that there isn't anywhere else even remotely like it. Proudly 60% above sea level since the 1950's, Amsterdam has grown from a quiet town into a sprawling maze, the key characteristics of which hit you almost immediately upon exit of the train station; the canals, the boats, the trams (and the connected overhead mess of electric cables), the orgy of bicycles locked to every possible stationary object and of course the nebula of weed fumes emitted from the small amry of students and party go'ers loitering at the front door.

Upon this city descend Europe's unwashed hordes, all contributing to and wanting to smoke a bit of the reputation it deserves. Generally you can rate the "liveliness" of a place by hostel dorm sleep patterns and given the fact dorm rooms always seemed to have at least 1 person asleep at ANY time of the day this was a strong indicator.

First things first though, let's talk bicycles. I mentioned the bike orgy at the train station right? Well that's just a sign of things to come. Amsterdam is riddled with bikes. You really have no idea how many of these contraptions (that seem to look like they are dated back to pre-WW2) are blasting around the streets of Amsterdam at breakneck speeds. The most dangerous of these are ridden by girls with supreme confidence in their ability to steer one handed, whilst talking on the mobile phone, carrying several bags of shopping and wearing heels and a skirt. As an Australian, crossing a road where people drive on the right is already a challenge, now split the car traffic to a fast lane and side lanes, and then add two tram lines in the middle, surrounded by this afformentioned bicycle onslaught on both sides and suddenly you are in a game of Frogger trying to cross the road.

Anyway, assuming you are not killed immediately by the roads, the Amsterdam experience can then commence and commence it should with the marijuana muffin, AKA the space cake. It really tastes exactly as one might expect it to taste, like a joint thrown into a cupcake, and it has the sinister effect of just making you hungrier the more you eat it. You can then top that off by smoking a freshly rolled bit of green if you are not wasted enough and then laze around in street bars joining in the national sport of "people watching". Afterwards comes an inevitable march to a pizza or kebab shop (which are here both booming industries), but you must try to retain enough sanity to avoid the little "coin operated food poisoning box" shops the Dutch seem so keen on.

After the wacky tobacky, the next step is satisfying the ultimate intrigue you fight so hard to hold back since the sun set; seeing the red light district. To many travellers it is the holy grail of the Amsterdam experience for which you can never really be prepared and we knew it was going to be all hands on deck too given the navy seemed to be in town. So after a few pints of Dutch courage, you cross a few tram tracks, a few canals, a few drunken sailor corpses and find yourself in a section of town bathed in red neon, quite literally the red light district described on the tin. Here, you can go an enjoy a live sex show or even become part of one if you're feeling really perky. If that is not your thing, alley ways are lined with row upon row of ground level windows, inside which near naked prostitutes show their .. wares .. to passers by and invite you in for a quick bit of fun described by locals as "not really that bad for your health". It's quite disturbing, awesome and surreal to see this and no photo can do it justice. To be honest, attempting to take the photo is not really worth the risk either considering tourists are regularly hospitalised and deprived of their cameras for doing it.

Some might cringe at the thought of the whole affair but in actuality these prostitutes get paid well, they have a union, security, child minding services and pay tax. They even have a Prostitution Information Centre! The question of whether it is right or wrong is one of opinion but all in all it seems like a pretty decent deal for the ladies compared to their counterparts in other countries. Just remember though, if a child ever asks what that lady in the room is doing, the locals just say "she's getting ready to go to the beach!". Oh also, if you do come here and actually want to sample the product, make sure you choose a woman in a room lit by red lights, if it's lit by blue then that's not a woman. Probably also a good idea to stay away from the rooms with black-light UV's too ... I've seen CSI, it might be scary what collateral stains from previous customers you'll see in there.

Now that I look back, a lot of the experience in Amsterdam now seems a little hazy to me, I think there was a visit to Anne Frank's house and some pancakes in there ... and lots of boats .... and some falaffels ... and some market squares. Perhaps uncertainty of memory is the sure-fire way to know you've actually "experienced" Amsterdam though?

Until next time, here are some English to Dutch translations for you. You might be suprised you how close the languages really are!

English: How late is it?
Dutch: Hoe laat is het?

English: Where is the train?
Dutch: Waar is de trein?

English: Thank you
Dutch: Dank u

English: Oh, and the toilet is stuck
Dutch: Oh, en het toilet is stuk

English: Can I see it?
Dutch: Kan Ik het zien?

English: What is that?
Dutch: Wat is dat?

English: Sorry
Dutch: Sorry

English: Call a doctor
Dutch: Bel een dokter

It's uncanny!