Our Country Reeks of Trees ...

Continuing the northwards trend, the next destination was a mystical and far off land that few Americans even know exists - Canada!

Now, some of you will immediately think "Canada. February. WHY!?". Well what can I say, adversity is no barrier, a bit of rough is good for the soul. A part of me had a hungering for some REAL snow .. not that light smattering of white back in old blighty. To that end, I can guarantee that Canada more than sated the snow appetite. From what I could tell, Canada is actually made entirely of snow and somewhere underneath are houses and people. New York was farewelled from a nice, cosy and warm Amtrak train bound for Montréal. Upon exit from this cocoon of warmth was a welcoming, facial hair destroying -35 degrees and a wind that tore into the soul, leaving naught but hollow, Gortex marshmallows of tourists behind.

After donning half a dozen layers of clothing and rolling out the door like some kind of padded marshmellow, sight seeing is possible. There are two sides to Montréal. Firstly, there is the "Overworld"; this is the part of the city visible from Google maps, incredibly picturesque and boasting an old town that is the closest thing you will ever see to Gotham City. However, it's also sheathed in ice and bitterly cold. One day, a few folk were discussing the merits of hats with ear flaps when the radio played Jeff Wayne's War of the World's soundtrack ... suddenly, the lyrics hit home ..

"So we gotta make a new life. You know where? Underground! You should see it down there - hundreds of miles of drains - sweet and clean now after the rain, dark, quiet, safe. We can build houses and everything, start again from scratch!"

And thus the French-Canadian morlocks built the "Underworld" of Montréal, connecting the entire downtown area with a complex network of tunnels and shopping centres that would be capable withstanding the next ice age if need be. Here the human race could regroup through the coldest winters safe in the knowledge their bunker and excellent health care system would see them through any bitter end .. so long as you could get good reception for the ice hockey.

Despite numb extremeties, the Overworld had to be braved in the best interests of sight seeing. Luckily, Montréal has two epic cathedrals that are really, really impressive. Firstly, the Basilique de Notre Dame is an absolutely astounding cathedral - the outside is somewhat unassuming (as far as cathedrals go) but the inside is truly a stand apart masterpiece of detail. It's probably the most amazing outside of Rome. Secondly, Saint Joseph's Oratory, though fairly modern and simple compared to the previous cathedral, is absolutely HUGE. The main hall is surely something out of Star Wars and in a somewhat macabre act, the heart of the now deceased blessed Brother André (for whom the cathedral is famous) is kept on display in a glass box for all to admire. Creepy, yet awesome to see a real boxed shaped heart. Suddenly a hearty lunch felt appropriate.

Destination: the internationally renowned Lester's Deli. Here one can order a meat sandwich with so much meat that the bread is little more than a garnish. The proprietor takes great pleasure in watching hapless tourists eat it with all the etiquette of cro-magnon man. You can also enjoy a side of the Canadian national dish - Poutin (pronounced Poot-sin). In case you don't know, Poutin is a bowl of chips deep fried to hell in the oldest of old fat that has been reused again and again for days. Once the chips reach a sufficient brown hue they are placed in a bowl, covered in fatty gravy so they become really soggy and then topped with cheese curds. Some might call it "comfort food", I call it "the bowl of endless regret". It's essentially a heart attack on a plate.

The visit coincided with La fête des Neiges de Montréal, which is basically an outdoor winter snow festival where everyone participates in a variety of family sporting events. Who could forget such greats as largely uncoordinated curling, the bizarre tag sled race where only one man is left standing after all others have died of exhaustion, or sliding down a hill on an uncontrollable piece of plastic aptly named "crazy carpet", or perhaps the epic down hill simultaneous snow tube ride where you are destined to fail and sldie down on your ass without a tube, all under the disapproving eye of the local Québécois.

I also have to be honest and say that curling is much more fun to watch on TV then it is to play ... although it pays to keep the volume down if watching a women's curling event in your hotel room as a bunch of women yelling "Hard, hard, HARDER" can cause alarm...

Toronto was the next destination, a pretty cool city and a very multi-cultural one at that with pockets of the world like Chinatown, Little Italy, Little India and Little Greece spread throughout the city. There is also the CN tower you can go up to look down upon the city and it's beautiful traffic jams. It has several unique qualities - it is one of the highest man made structures in the world, it has glass floors on the viewing platform and the elevators for extra vertigo and the security check is some strange amalgam between an x-ray machine and a space age delousing station. It's an experience not to be missed in any case.

Toronto was ultimately little more than a launchpad for a trip through the snow to Niagara Falls. All I can say is wow. The falls are astounding in every way and even more picturesque in the middle of winter partially frozen. It truly was incredible to see and enjoy it in virtual solitude, the polar opposite of summer where this place heaves.

You cannot come to Canada and not be left jaws agape at the sheer number of uses they have found for maple tree sap. Sure there's the syrup we all know and love but you can also get maple sauce, maple candy, maple sugar, maple shampoo, maple soap, maple cookies, maple beer, maple tea, maple cookies ... we even had maple taffee which is basically heated up maple sap poured on snow. You then wrap it around a wooden stick like a chuppa chup and proceed to unwittingly cover your face, hands and hair (and those of anyone who has the misfortune of standing slightly downwind) in an immense and elaborate spider web of sugar strands as you try to eat it. It only gets worse before it gets better but it tastes so good!

So, we bid you farewell from a land where a one dollar coin is called a loonie, a two dollar coin a toonie and looking at a nickel gives you the rare opportunity to see the Queen of England, flip her around and then say "Hey, nice beaver!". That's Canada, eh!

AMERICA! F!$K YEAH! (Part Two : The North)

And thus it came to pass that the adventure should head back northwards, to the colder climbs, forthwith to a place as high as it is wide - New York City. The journey was arduous and riddled with many calories. There were times on the NYC metro that the fake wallet felt more threatened than any gypsy encounter and the cold spires of an unforgiving city loomed overhead whilst navigating suspiciously logical street naming conventions. The big apple begs travelers to take a bite their entire lives, it felt like a big thing to finally be here.

New York is a huge place. There are more people in the greater NYC area than there are in all of Australia. Jeepers. The skyscrapers are immense and the city blocks they line trail into the distance to create streetscapes like no other. People rush to and fro, coffees in hand, amongst a blur of yellow cabs and street vendors selling dubious foodstuffs. Without a doubt there is no other place on Earth like this city.

New York is so big it has it's own micro climate and regardless of what that actually means, I can neatly summarise NYC's weather pattern for you - first, take a hundred or so 4 x 2 lego bricks and stack them up in little towers in a grid like pattern. Now once you have done that, point a desk fan at it and voila, you have a working 3D model of what it is like to be in the middle of NYC. The wind is unearthly and through more investigation (by following a debris trail of lost scarves, hats and gloves) I determined the Empire State Building to be central vortex. The gale was absolutely incredible up there and worth every bad Twister movie joke.

Of a day time NYC is daunting in all it's vertical glory, of a night time it becomes the closest thing Earth has to a man made sun. The amount of electricity flowing through it's veins is mind blowing and the only hope you will have of seeing stars is walking down Broadway or perhaps by looking at your bank account and the unmerciful pounding it takes here at every turn. Times Square, as many of you will attest to, is something else altogether. It has to be one of the only places in the world where you can take night time, outdoor group photos from several metres away without a flash. This city truly never sleeps.

To be honest, it's quite amazing people still live here - considering it has been attacked by aliens so many times, destroyed routinely by "end of the world" disasters and is a regular stomping ground for giant rampaging marshmellow men and angered sea monsters alike. The ability to rebuild and get on with the job is a hallmark of the NYC spirit. Jokes aside of course, the ground zero site is still under reconstruction and is pretty disarming to see. The memorial they have planned for the site looks amazing and it would be great to be able to see it again one day finished.

Lower Manhattan is really cool, it is actually like London - on steroids. There is most certainly an affinity with ornate buildings and greek pillars in and around Wall Street, which has been now Rage Against the Machine free since 1999.

The locality of Tribeca is probably the best spot, it has such a great little quiet inner city vibe to it. The back alleyways are latticed with fire escapes and red brick, shrouded in steam coming from sewer vents making for what we all know to be the iconic NYC street visage. It's also home of the Ghostbusters fire station (they still have the sign on the wall inside next to the trucks!) and might I say the Standard Hotel was well worth sneaking into for a look at their elevator!

Amongst all the hustle and bustle though, there is a green side to New Yo... SQUIRREL!!! ..... rk City. Central Park is a low lying forest surrounded by a concrete cage. Whilst really quite picturesque, it's important to enjoy nature in moderation. You must vacate by 6pm, at which point they lock the gates and anyone in there is pretty much given up for dead.

No visit to NYC is complete without seeing the Central Library. The grand entrance seems to be permanantly covered in scaffolding throughout history and is guarded by the famous lion statues that keep an eternal vigil against buskers. Inside, the hallways are amazing and the reading rooms are epic in every way. Here you can relive classic Ghostbusters scenes... "Back off man, I'm a scientist"

NYC, being a "crossroads of the world", is also a crossroads of culinary delight. There were some staples such as pizza, pretzels, bagels and the highly ambiguous "hot dogs". But there are also fantastic cabaret restaurants, such as the spectatcular Stardust 50's diner featuring singing wait staff! I'll always remember enjoying malted milk shakes while listening to the waitress recite her romantic ballad about her forbidden love with Taylor the latte boy. You see, all these years she had waited, she never thought love could be so caffeinated ...

Now call it good fortune, call it destiny, but this visit coincided with a hot chocolate festival. New York delivered some strong contenders, but Europe is still one up over ol' US of A in the hot choc stakes. That being said though, the variety of all things sweet here is extraordinary including a whole manner of dessert pizzas that would make the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles go (more) green with envy. As hard as you try to resist, America is bound to break down your will to eat healthy one way or another.

To wrap up, America is not what you expect it to be and everything you expect it to be. It's big and it's crazy. Sure, many Americans might not seem to care too much for the world outside their borders but when you live in a country as weird, wonderful and spoiled for choice as this I guess it is easy to see why that could happen.

The USA is an amazing place, but remember "Freedom isn't free. It costs folks like you and me. And if you don't give in your buck o'five, who will?"

"Mmmmm buck o'five...."

Rock on USA.

AMERICA! F!$K YEAH! (Part One : The South)

As indicated by the title, the USA adventure is split into more edible chunks - North and South.

Do note that the reason for the blog post split has nothing to do with an American civil war thing (or the "recent unpleasantness" as it is kindly described), it's simply the case that this country generates enough content for two posts at the very least.

Let me start off by saying how non-confrontive and relaxed the border control interrogation is upon entering the USA, where everyone is assumed to be a terrorist or free loader until proven innocent. However, once you pass this and the hand scan / retina scan / controlled substance scan (controlled substances apparently being Vegemite, Cuban cigars and Kinder Suprises) it's smooth sailing into the land of the free. A land dedicated to liberty, equality, justice and the pursuit of happiness. A nation filled with quirks a plenty and countless miracles of deep frying. A place where justice is ruled like a baseball game - three strikes and you're outta there. A country united with Burma and Liberia to the defence of the world against the perils of the metric system.

The first night was spent at a hotel nestled in the most romantic crossroads of the 17th, 26th and 44th West conduits and 31st and 32nd arterial roads outside JFK airport coming to grips with the daunting beast lying ahead whilst trying to work out the filter coffee machine with which Americans have an unbridled fascination. The next day began with some type of dessert for breakfast and a flight south to New Orleans - a city where the sun shines, people are more relaxed, bodies don't stay buried and the water is so soft y'all be washing the shampoo out of your hair 'til the cows come home.

Americans as a whole love to talk yet don't often mince words. It is a land of obvious extremes. In general, EVERYTHING is louder, bigger, higher, longer, wider, faster and generally doesn't get many miles to the gallon. The south is a particularly great example of the latter where it is your god given right to drive an SUV verging on a monster truck - and thanks to the fact Louisiana is the only state to use Napoleonic code as law, the pedestrian does NOT have the right of way here. This essentially means everyone is too scared to walk anywhere, further made feasible as a way of life by their obsession with "drive thru" services. You can get drive thru food of almost any variety, drive thru Daquiris (but you can't drink em in the car, that would be silly!), drive thru cashing in of jewellery and even drive thru ATM's. And yes, believe it or not, the drive thru ATM's actually have braille on the keypads too as blind people "may want to walk through the drive thru to get money out." Do these blind people even know about the Napoleonic street law and the monster trucks?

New Orleans is a fantastic place at it's heart where people party for no apparent reason other than "it's too quiet". There is a huge history of jazz culture and the French Quarter has an incredible old charm to it not becoming of such a big city. It has an amazing atmosphere for a place that is still very much recovering from the ravages of hurricane Katrina and unfortunately now boasts one of the highest crime rates in the country. I guess despite the murder rate, you still feel pretty safe with non other than STEVEN SEAGAL AS A COP ON YOUR BEAT! Even if he is "just a chef"...

The timing of the visit was unfortunately a bit off, the Mardi Gras celebration was set to occurr in the following week, which from my understanding is a sequence of parties interlaced with big parades where you must contend with giant plastic beads and other projectiles constantly being thrown at you from the floats. If you are a woman and you are not rendered unconscious from being smacked in the head by a giant novelty pacifier, it's more or less expected that you show of your "assets" in return as thanks for your near death experience. There is also a quirky tradition of eating King Cakes, which are basically cakes that contain a little plastic baby inside them. If you choke on the plastic toy, and you survive, you are punished by having to bake the next cake. It's like a playing a game of Russian roulette while enjoying a nice cake at the same time.

Despite missing Mardi Gras, another big event was on never-the-less: the New Orleans Saints NFC final vs the Minnesota Vikings. Like many without tickets, our group of friends instead joined in the phenomenom that is "tail gating". Basically, everyone who couldn't get a ticket drives to the stadium anyway and parks beside it and watches the game on a TV in the carpark. You'd of course be naive to think that it would be a small TV on the back of a car. This is AMERICA! We saw camper vans that convert into outdoor electronic, supersonic, non-ergonomic home entertainment centres that put Transformers to shame. The Saints won the match by a field goal in extra time and to say the city partied a little harder than usual is an understatement. The city boulevards became a seething mass of people yelling "WHO DAT!", bands playing street jazz, "pimped up" yellow school buses and a cacophony of car horns rivalling a south east Asian city during peak hour. The Saints then went on to make history and win their very first Superbowl the next week. You could put it down to their skill and hard training, but I prefer to think that random Aussie blow ins bring good luck to any team they choose to root for.

It wasn't all party time of course. There was time out to go visit a swamp and see resident gators. Unfortunately we had no meat to throw at them to liven the place up but they were pretty cool none-the-less. Later that night, gators appeared again, this time on the menu. While they look cool, they really do just taste like chicken. Gators included, New Orleans is a total and utter gastronomic heaven. The jambalaya, the gumbo, the spicy crawfish, the fried shrimp and the beer join forces with a range of Tabasco sauces (that only being home to the Tabasco island can provide) to make anyone's mouth water.

Before this post is wrapped up, here's some USA tidbits ...

- Walmarts are HUGE. I think it possible that tourists could get lost and die in a Walmart due to inadequate preparation.

- Home maintenance becomes easier the closer you get to the Mexican border. Basically you buy your wood, buy your nails, buy your hammer ... and then as you are driving out of the parking lot you stop by the big group of illegal Mexican immigrants that loiter there and take one or two to do the work for you for only a few bucks! ¡Grande!

- The world's longest bridge is very long. It feels even longer in the middle of the night, surrounded by fog, lightning and thunder with nothing but radio Tornado warnings to pass the time.

- If you intend to visit the states any time soon, remember to bring along a massive wad of one dollar bills. Tipping is most certainly NOT a city in China to these folk and you'll be handing those bad boys out left right and centre.

- Only in the USA can strip clubs advertise by naked girls dancing around a pole in the back of a moving truck with glass walls. So much class.

- Medicine ads here are awesome. Essentially they run for at least 45 seconds to a minute, where the first 15 seconds describes the product and the rest is a chilling tale of the side effects, nicely coupled with scenes of people laughing at a picnic, throwing frisbees or other happy B-roll momemts.

- A small drink in the USA is what we call a big drink everywhere else ... and the 711 "big gulp" is really what we call a small bucket everywhere else.

- The USA has some of the best damned steaks in the world, which they promptly ruin by burning the living crap out of.

- Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are awesome! Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!

- Twinkies are not awesome. Given their list of ingredients, they should not be classed as food period. So if you know someone wanting to try one, PLEASE GOD STOP THEM. Tell them about the twinky ...

There be Wales Here!

It's somewhat fitting that perhaps the most delayed blog entry ever is about a trek to a place that the rest of England forgot as well - Wales. It's that bit of land to the west of England where pretty much no one goes. Why? I don't really know actually, Wales is a really beautiful place filled with interesting sights and people. I mean, Scotland has castles, but Wales is one giant spider web of castles with a few houses and sheep in between. The castles are just awe-inspiring too, quite a few being world heritage listed. Indeed they have so many that half of them actually don't even appear on maps despite them being more incredible then the main attraction castles of some other entire countries! The best unmapped ruin being a real life version of Helms Deep from Lord of the Rings. Serious cool factor!

Now to be honest I can't recall the names of many of the towns passed through on this adventure but basically the journey went along the north coast to the Isle of Angelsey and then down to the bottom from there I think via Abergelle, Llanbedr to Aberystwyth and then Aberaeron to Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, through Ceulyynanamaesmawr to Lannetwork and past Gwynethpaltrow. Perhaps those names got muddled a bit. There were lots of L's in any instance.

You actually would be suprised at how much Welsh words you already know .. words such as Eisteddfod and .... hrm. Nope, that's about it. It perhaps has something to do with the complexity of Welsh. In case you have never encountered it, Welsh basically sounds like Klingon and looks like the alphabet just threw up. It's probably the only language where you can forget what you are saying mid-word. At some stage the radical concept of "vowels" were introduced to the language, but they never really took off.

It got me thinking how amusing a Welsh "Wheel of Fortune" could be.

Presenter : Ok this word is the name of a place.
*Model co-host lights up ALL forty letter blocks*....
Contestant 1 : I'd like to buy an E and an A thanks
BUZZ!
Presenter : Oh tough luck, no E's or A's there!
*All contestants sigh*
Contestant 2 : I'll take an L for lost please
DING!
Presenter : Good choice! There are twenty seven L's in this word!
*All contestants sigh*

The fact they must have Welsh and English on all street signs is an interesting way to keep the language alive and active in everyday use, but perhaps a little frustrating as it makes navigation by highway signs a true test of visual dexterity attempting to decipher a wall of text at 70mph. We certainly ended up taking the scenic route a few times...

The Welsh folk are down to earth, kind and quiet and always keen to share some Laver Bread. For the unaware, it's basically a black sludge of seaweed scraped off rocks from which you can mix with oats to attempt to make a form of ... stuff. You then fry this stuff in bacon fat and eat it. It was actually pretty tasty though, as is the norm of food from the isle, probably not that good for you. Welsh rarebit was also nice to eat, but once again, see my previous statement on it's value as healthy cuisine.

The car was blown through the winding roads of Snowdonia national park, which was simply stunning. The mountains were bathed in that afternoon light you get about ... ooo.. midday in Winter here. Climbing Mt Snowdon would have been amazing but weather conditions were looking a bit iffy and it pays to trust your gut feelings in those situations. It turned out two people sadly died on Mt Snowdon that afternoon/night due to a sudden weather change that brought with it extreme winds and several feet of snow.

It's a shame that many people probably never make it out to Wales. Then again, perhaps it's a good thing that it stays relatively forgotten?

Momma Mia!

The next festive installment follows on from the voyage through the lands plundered by the Vikings to the land of the Vikings themselves. A land where no meal is complete without the addition of lingonberries - Sweden!

It's fair to say those Vikings got around really. Once they learnt how to make a boat they were off on their merry way and there really isn't much of the European coastline they didn't reach. Chances are if it was on the coast and had something worth taking, was remotely flammable or had women who were not chained down the Vikings probably found it. Sadly the clichés of giant battle axes, big beards and horned helmets are a little exaggerated but I think it's important we all still believe in them anyways because they are admittedly cool.

Nowadays the Swedes have given away the whole "pillaging" scene and are a very industrious people. The days are so short up here that they spend most of their time indoors inventing things - from mobile phones to pharmaceuticals to military aircraft so advanced and powerful no one can fly them properly. If inventing is not your thing as a Swede, you are usually blessed with prodigious good looks and high cheek bones, so you can always fall back on being a super model. To tell the truth though, you do see the odd ugly person, in fact they have a word for them here - "foreigners".

Despite a lowly convict appearance, friends offered a place to stay on a traditional Swedish farm. Situated in the Uppland region - which is the real home of the Vikings - there are very old rune stones and ancient burial mounds dating back over a thousand years very close by. A lovely selection of traditional Swedish cilinary delights such as deer, meatballs, herring, glögg, knäckebröt and of course the ever versatile and dependable condiment lingonberry jam were all devoured with much gusto.

The capital of Sweden is Stockholm, which is important to many for all that Nobel peace prize stuff but even more important for being the birthplace of Dolph Lundgren, who as we all know was robbed of an Oscar as Ivan Drago in Rocky 4. That aside, Stockholm is a fantastic city to explore and has one of the best preserved old towns in the world. In addition there is a small island called Skansen that has a replica traditional Swedish village in it from days long gone. There are stalls, dancing and numerous food vendors selling festive delicacies such as Swedish pancakes (which are great with lingonberry jam) and elk and potato which really could have benefited from lingonberry jam. All in all it was very magical, especially having villagers in authentic costume. One of them even slipped me a piece of paper which said "They won't let us leave. Please god help us." which I thought was cute.

In addition to picturesque town sights, Stockholm also has some really cool museums. The Vasa museum in particular contains a fully intact original 17th century war ship inside it that unfortunately, due to rather tragic design, promptly capsized the moment it left dock. Conveniently the brackish water everyone normally complains about also has the great side effect of preserving old wooden ships beautifully for hundreds of years (ever cloud really DOES have a silver lining) and it now sits upright once more in permanent dry dock for the world to see. The Vasa is a great example of period craftsmanship, modern salvaging techniques and how to fail ship design 101 by adding too many rows of cannon flaps ...

Big sights aside the intriguing opportunity was afforded to go and speak "Australian stuff" to a whole bunch of grade 4 , 5 and 6 kids at a Swedish primary school. Out of all the crazy situations to find one's self in, this was seemingly the most daunting. At first, there was a fear that it would just be a speech of gibberish to a small army of perplexed little blonde Vikings in the making, however they all understood English very well and had lots of questions ready to fire! It was all very cute really and in return Swedish was taught by the kids and there was also a traditional St Lucia festive celebration to attend together. No one could convincingly explain why St Lucia was celebrated but it just "is" and I suppose that's as good enough reason as any.

That's all for now, here are some important travel tips should you come to Sweden

• In case you were not aware, lingonberries are quite popular and they go with everything. In fact, they would probably taste alright with this blog too.
  
• Snus (Scandinavian snuff) smells really bad.
  
• Sweden must get some sort of award for having the most variations of the letter A.
  
• Never, ever turn your back on the sun. It will set the moment you do … mark our words!
  
• Did you know Abba came from Sweden? If you didn't (whoah), come to Sweden; you'll be made aware of it soon enough.
  
• What little money Sweden actually spends on a military budget pretty much goes to defending a giant straw goat statue erected in the city of Gävle every year from a hilarious array of daring arson attacks. Here I was thinking old Nintendo game concepts weren't based on reality!
  
• It's very cool to see deer running around in the snow at Christmas time. It's even cooler to shoot one and eat it.
  
• They have a hostel here made out of a Boeing 747!
  
• No one recognises the Swedish chef Muppet song (mork mork mork!). I think the stereotype is perhaps not totally accurate.
  
• When someone says it is only 1 "Swedish" mile away, reconsider 'on foot' as a valid method of locomotion.
  
• Pouch means testicles in Swedish. The kids love talks on Australian animals ...

Hej daw!