The Würst is Yet to Come ...

Before I begin describing the first of the Germanic adventures I must relay to you a most harrowing tragedy. In a hasty exit from Florence a major piece of inventory was lost. Not a bank card, not a passport, not a bag ... something far, far more important - the Vegemite. The heavy burden of the loss will linger forever deep in the heart and blacken this day. If you by chance are a church-goer, please spare a prayer.

After a period of mourning on platform 5 of Zurich Hauptbahnhof Stuttgart was calling. Stuttgart is pretty much a student town with one hell of a shopping precinct. It's actually not entirely remarkable unless you are a car fan, in which case the Porsche museum and factory are near.

Germany is a very clean and orderly place where the trains run on time and it is generally easy to plan your travel. It is a welcome respite after the craziness of former countries. The ICE trains are an extremely nice ride and even though they zip around at great speed, the actual train is so insulated that you barely even feel the speed. The east European rattlers hitting 70kph somehow felt more exhilarating.

There are some very important unspoken rules in Germany - do not jay walk (doing so is akin to murdering a child) and do not drink good beer out of anything except a tall glass. When pouring the beer it is vitally important that you finish the head off perfectly with a pattern reminiscent of a barrista making a cappuccino. Anything less than perfection when pouring a bier leads can jeopardise friendships with locals.

Stuttgart was primarily a staging point for a trip to Europa Park, a seriously awesome theme park with an astonishing amount of rides. Their Silver Star roller coaster looks scary on the net and is seriously stool-inducing in real life. Europa Park has different sections based on European countries - such as the Swiss zone with a Matterhorn themed ride for example. The Russian zone had a MIR roller coaster but I was surprised to see no black market. I was also disappointed to see no Romania world with the 'Pothole Voyager' or the 'Border Guard Blitz' in Turkey world. The dodgem cars would have been more authentic in Italian world too, with little 'Rome Taxi' signs on them.

That night was spent in the gorgeous town of Freiberg, with fairytale-like archways and very pointy churches. I swear the entire collection of photos of German architecture are in portrait mode.

So this quick entry comes to an end, the next post will come from Berlin. Now that the wall has come down and the underground re-connected it is apparently easier for tourists to get around. Aufweiderzehen!

What Have the Romans Ever Done for Us?

"All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?"

After a quick overnight ferry cruise filled to the brim with church goers and 3000 hail Mary's later the shores of Italy beckon! Landing in the very functional (if not much else) city port of Ancona a train was hitched onwards to Rome, with visions of participating in glorious and bloody gladiatorial combat! Failing that the tourist thing would suffice.

I once heard the phrase "Rome in a day", which is totally impossible to actually perform. There is so much to see here that it can become overwhelming. I mean most other cities would be chuffed to have ONE of the incredible churches/cathedrals/ruins/museums found here.

So with that in mind you can imagine I am not sure where to begin. Many of you have already been here, and will know what I mean when I describe "visual overload". When it comes to exploring the city you only really begin to realise the enormity of the task when the incredible building you have just been admiring for the last half an hour is just a toilet and isn't even important enough to make it on the map. Suddenly you feel very small. I wouldn't even dare explain in detail the amazing sights we have seen, or how many pairs of socks have died through seeing it - I'll focus on the "vibe".

Firstly, Italian is really a beautiful language. It flows and rolls so smoothly compared to other crazy tongues muttered recently. The beauty of it coupled with the advent of mobile phones might explain why Italians talk so much and talk so loudly that it can be difficult to distinguish a heartfelt discussion from an argument approaching blows.

Italian food is, as expected, very nice and simple in it's brilliance. Pizza, pasta, coffee/hot choc and gelati are all firm favourites. Interestingly though the best pizza title still rests with Slovenia and best coffee/hot choc with Belgrade. But uneasy lies the head that wears the crown, there may just be a new champion around the corner.

Rome has many big ticket attractions we all know and love:

1. The Colosseum - the big famous sports stadium where the gladiators fought. Vulcan was my favourite. Interestingly there are no longer trapdoors that lions spring out of to maul unwary combatants. Although street hawkers have taken the places of said felines.

2. A Kazillion Fountains including Trevi Fountain - in which lie the wishes of a million tourists and an equally impressive collection of Euro coins, making it a favourite after dark hang out of Gypsies.

3. The Pantheon - the best preserved Roman ruins in existence probably. The gaping big hole in the roof sucks when it rains though.

4. The Vatican City - home of the worlds biggest church - St Peter's, the Vatican museum (containing the Sistine Chapel) and the big P man himself! Unfortunately I could not find the pope-mobile and the papal song and dance stage spectacular the Pope holds every Wednesday after bingo wasn't on.

Crossing roads here is akin to Russian roulette. The golden rule is basically "cross half way and pray". Better yet find an organised tour and walk inside them, that way they can cushion the blow for you.

On a more modern tangent, Rome is perhaps as close to heaven as possible for women. The city layout represents a cyclic pattern of beautiful churches, shoe shops, leather shops, cafes and bank machines. All a girl needs. Any spare space usually contains a church, you can never have enough of them it seems.

Some ruins and exhibits have glass panes around them, which sometimes turns them into a bit of a zoological exhibit of cats and the homeless. Some others have even higher security, the Vatican City for example has a very strong stance against Swiss army knives. Normal knives are fine though. I figure the pope's personal Swiss guards don't want to deal with the challenge of a Swiss army knife fight. "I cannot defeat this crazed tourist, he parries all my toothpick lunges with his tweezers!". The Vatican has also indicated clearly via signs that men in pink one piece bathing suits will not be allowed entry. I think that's fair enough.

Here you can enjoy works by favourite Renaissance artists such as Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello and Raphael (he's the leader of the group, transformed from the norm by the nuclear goup). It was a personal highlight of mine to see the "creation of Adam" in the Sistine Chapel. Sadly the number of tourists in the museum and basilica does make it difficult to enjoy anything in privacy, it literally becomes a river of bodies that sweeps you along from which you desperately clutch at branches to pull yourself out and into the eddies.

So having completed stage one of the Italian job, it is now north to Florence that travel must go. Here I am sure there will be more delectable food, yet more jaw dropping sights and the chance to uncover more facts about the Italian dialect - such as whether Tellitubbi is a type of pasta or just a stupefying kids show that defies all sane thought.

The Balkans Express

This is a tale. A tale of how the best laid travel plans are so easily derailed. It was thought, somewhat shortsightedly I should add, that a quick trip across the Balkans was possible. Sounds easy in theory but much harder to execute for the Balkan countries most definitely suck you in.

The first stop post-Turkey was Sofia - the capital of Bulgaria. Sofia is like an untouched exhibit of angular, abstract artwork and statues from communist days. The locals feel they are ugly, but since most other post communist countries have torn their ones down the Bulgarian intact statues are suddenly very unique. Bulgaria also has THE best animation of the green walking man at pedestrian crossings yet - picture John Cleese in the Ministry of Silly Walks.

Bulgaria's biggest music singer is a transvestite called Aziz. Funnily enough no one actually admits to buying his music - I draw parallels with the Spice Girls somehow. Aziz has gone to a lot of effort to look as feminine as possible, but I have one word of advice that could make the transformation even more convincing ... LOSE THE BEARD.

Next stop on the trip was Belgrade, Serbia. A short hop from the train station and already you will get a taste of the scars of conflict, two buildings with gaping holes in the side from bombs, entire floors of  several buildings had been completely ruined and the metal framework melted and fused together from the heat of the explosion. It must be quite weird to see this everyday living here, like a permanent reminder of bad days.

Belgrade is a very nocturnal city, the day is quiet but it really comes alive at night. The night time sky is so lit up that the city seems ablaze. Actually, maybe it was, who knows. Belgrade also now has the title of best hot chocolate in all of Europe so far - picture real chocolate melted with milk and topped with some special mix of malt and wheat germ. The consistency and taste were all perfect. If you ever come here, tell me, I'll direct you to where to look.

Perhaps the coolest thing in Belgrade is the Nikola Tesla museum. For those of you in the dark, Tesla was the founder of AC current and an inventor extraordinaire. He was also in the Prestige played by the very cool, cool David Bowie. The museum was fascinating and had a large Tesla Coil which generated electrical arcs of massive voltage, do a Google image search of one, they really are awesome. What was even cooler is when they turned the coil on and the light bulbs we were all holding lit up by the electrical current arcing through the air to them. We were all awe struck and maybe a little scared. OK we were freaked out.

FYI Serbians are TALL. It's nice to be able to look at clothes again.

Eventually, chocolate taste buds had to be betrayed by leaving Belgrade and heading into Bosnia, specifically Sarajevo. Just the city name will undoubtedly bring images to your head of armed conflict and war, you may also ask, along with the border guards, 'why the hell are you going there?'. Well I assure you it is quite safe now, bar the fact nature hikes are off limits due to land mines, and Sarajevo is quite simply 'intense'.

The mountain pass into Sarajevo was completely clouded over and a comfortable 2 degrees. Bosnian folk huddle in small, wooden mountain haunts dimly lit through a haze of cigarette smoke. Outside several whole lambs spin on the spit roast for the nights meal in what must be the Bosnian equivalent of the 'arvy barbie'. It is important that the bus stops at these places for an indeterminate amount of time.

Sarajevo is an eye opener. So recently and heavily war torn. Every building is covered in bullet holes, windows remain shattered, mortar explosions in the pavement are filled with red cement to become infamous 'Sarajevo roses'. There are large sections of the city sealed off with barb wire due to land mines and monuments lie forever damaged. There was a sign on one street with an arrow pointing to the nearby corner saying 'warning, sniper'. There are photos of people having to run across 'alleys of death', dodging sniper fire with their groceries and even babies in their hands.

Yet harrowing as the damage is, the intangible spirit of the Bosnian people is something very evident. They are proud that they came through the longest siege in modern history with their nationality and Independence intact. Sarajevo also has a long history of religious diversity - where else can you find a Catholic church, an Orthodox church, a synagogue and a mosque all on the same city block? It makes for an inspiring city horizon when the sun sets.  I feel very grateful to have see this place.

Interestingly, the latin bridge still stands, those history buffs out there will know this spot as the bridge where Archduke Franz Ferdinand of the Austro-Hungarian empire was assassinated.

Bosnia and Herzegovina nature-wise are truly awesome, though perhaps the biggest tragedy of it all is that so much of the forests and mountains are still riddled with land mines. So for all the vastness of their natural beauty, it cannot be explored. It just gets even more impressive as you head to Croatia or to Montenegro.

The last Balkan stop was Croatia, which was a big change. It is very popular with tourists here, more expensive and the service levels plummeted instantly. Never-the-less Dubrovnik and Split are gorgeous cities with old towns that are a real buzz to explore. Given more time I am sure Croatia would be equally inspiring, we have heard the northern part of the country bordering Slovenia is magnificent.

Well my stalwart reader, I hope you have enjoyed sharing the little Balkan leg. Until the next entry enjoy your vegetables, all that is available here is meat. And more meat.